


A Common Mind

by Lostfadingthoughts



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bottom Jim, Dream Sex, Khirk, M/M, PTSD, spirk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 23:46:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15739761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lostfadingthoughts/pseuds/Lostfadingthoughts
Summary: Set during the year that Jim and the Enterprise spent recovering from the events of Into Darkness, Jim is going through an ordeal that's set him back quite a bit. Plagued by nightmares and an unsatiable anger, Jim must find his way back to himself while suffering his way through PTSD. Khirk. Spirk. Kirk/Khan Kirk/Spock





	1. Scotch and Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome all! I quite recently fell in love with the Khirk Ship and decided to write my own fanfic for it! Enjoy and please be sure to leave a comment before you leave! :3

His heart was rapidly pounding in his chest.

Sound and color seemed to dull around him.

His head was killing him, all the blood rushing in his veins.

He could do nothing but hold his head in his hands and try to breath through it.

Count, Jim, count to ten and everything will be alright.

1...2...3…

His chest tightened, pressure leaning on him like a weighted rock.

4...5...6…

Almost there, just breathe through it, you can handle it.

7...8...9…

You are James Tiberius Kirk. You were dead but now you are alive.

9….

You are home, in your bed.

9….

You are on the ground. You are okay.

10.

The world opened up around him. The darkness receded and though the tightness in his chest stayed, the pain in his head fell away. He could focus on his bedroom, on the disarray of clothing, on the few empty cups that held some really good scotch from the night before.

Jim could feel the layer of sweat that covered his entire body, cold and clammy and wet.

He’d had another nightmare, one of a thousand nightmares he’d had since he’d awoken from his coma. Since he’d died.

He hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since then and it had only been a few weeks from when he’d woken up in Bones’ office, his body heavy and his mind a jumbled mess of memories.

Jim had spent that first week in the hospital in San Francisco, undergoing physical and psychological therapy. Bones had been there for the physical parts, helping Jim shake off the dregs of a two week slumber. He help Jim casually work up from a soft walk to a mild jog on the treadmill and eventually he was able to hold a steady run without running out of breath.

His muscles ached, having been not been used for that short amount of time. At first he wanted to blow off the exercise but Bones was there every step of the way, kicking his butt into gear, and reminding Jim that soon he’d be well and the Enterprise would be up and running and it would need its Captain.

In the beginning Jim didn’t welcome the reminder. At first, he held onto thoughts of not returning to the position of Captain. He’d convinced himself that a nice desk job would make him feel safer. Space was an exciting thing to behold, with adventures many dreamed of having, but Jim was tired and he was scared.

When he thought Bones could read his thoughts he shifted and began to lie, to make everyone else believe that what Bones had said really made him want to get better.

In truth he just wanted to stop the damn tests, both the exercise and the therapy.

With his sessions he sat with a nice doctor who listened to Jim even on his bad days. He never mentioned not wanting to return to the Enterprise so instead he focused on other things, things he couldn't tell Bones.

He told the therapist when the nightmares had started and that most of the time he couldn't remember them at all, just the feeling of being lost, of anger and confusion. He'd mention seeing red upon waking, which was always abrupt.

He told her of his panic attacks he would sometimes have when his nightmares reflected that of his time in the radiation chamber and he told her that sometimes he was angry for no reason at all.

The doctor would tell him that it was normal to feel this way, that he'd been through a traumatic ordeal and his mind and body needed time to process it all.

When he started lying to Bones and picked up on his physical therapy, he began lying to his therapist as well. Jim was becoming good at passing for believable and soon he was cleared to go home.

The first few nights back in his apartment were a blur of sleep and occasionally eating. Bones had decided to stay and help out until Jim could get back in the swing of things.

On the third day, Jim couldn't take much more of Bones grumbling around while cleaning up clothes and dishes. He shooed the doctor out, swearing up and down that he was fine and had gotten everything out of his system.

That first night alone was a dark one.

At first everything was fine. Jim had been put on a recovery leave for a months time, so even though he was out of the hospital, he didn't have much to do when normally all he'd be buried under was paperwork concerning the rebuilding of the Enterprise.

He'd mulled about, moving furniture this way and that just to keep himself dying from boredom. He'd left the TV on for the noise of people talking, and a couple of times he sang to himself when he was starting to feel lonely.

When the sun set and night fell, sleep loomed over the edges of Jim’s mind. He’d stared at his bed, wondering if he was going to have a good night's sleep or not. Eventually he’d become too tired, and a little too drunk on scotch to care, and crawled into his sheets to shake off consciousness.

It was only when he started to feel safe, his fingertips brushing the cotton sheets in rhythmic circles, did the nightmares begin.

They pulled him down into the darkness, into the constant anger and fragmented confusion.

In the morning, he remembered none of it, just the feeling of dread and constant heartache.

Now, a whole week after he’d been home, he’d finally had a nightmare he could somewhat remember.

It had scared him, scared him so bad that he’d awoken in the middle of an anxiety attack. Every part of his body was shaking, adrenaline rushing through him as fast as his blood could carry it, and his mind was screaming at him, horrified.

The nightmare held the same formula it always did, like slithering snakes engulfing him in an ocean of nothingness, Jim was feeling suffocated by all the anger he’d had bottling up inside.

Most mornings it melted away once he was awake, almost instantly. Some days it stayed longer then he’d like, but usually a good shower helped calm him down.

This morning however, the anger stayed. It swelled up inside him and he couldn’t contain it.

Still shaking, Jim grabbed at his bed sheets and ripped them away. He stood, his feet hitting the floor hard and fast. He felt almost animal like, roaming his apartment for anything he could get his hands on.

He’d grabbed a lamp and tore it from the top of his nightstand, sending it flying and eventually crashing on a nearby wall. He took the nightstand out next, picking it up and vaulting it to the floor with a strength Jim was not accustomed to having. He just wanted to break things, to get out all of his anger so he could get on with his day of doing nothing, of having nothing to accomplish or explore or discover or…

The sound was what alerted Jim first, before he felt the sharp stabbing pain of glass on the bottom of his foot.

He’d stepped on one of the empty drinking glass he’d spotted earlier from the bed. It had snapped under the weight of his body with an ease that said it could have been made of sugar.

The pain halted his destructive behavior immediately. He still felt copious amounts of anger swirling around inside of him but the feeling of pain that washed through his body stopped him from moving.

It was a strange feeling really, like a bolt of electricity had ignited inside his veins. It brought forth a shiver from Jim and a small sigh of relief.

Hopping from his spot, and being careful not to step on anymore shards, Jim made his way back to his bed. He sat down and stared down at his foot, holding it in his hands. Only small cuts had started to bleed but the bigger shards held in any gushing tides that were sure to follow once he pulled them out.

He could have hopped his way to his communicator and called Bones in to help him out but he couldn’t let anyone see the mess he’d made with his tiny tantrum. He also could have hopped to the bathroom to gather some tweezers but instead he ignored logical reasoning and started pulling out the shards by hand.

When he’d dug out all of the smaller ones, he braced himself for the last three, much larger shards. His foot was warm now, all the blood rushing to leave from the wounds, but his fingers felt cold and clammy as he did when he’d woken up. He shook out a few good jitters and pulled out the first shard.

It hadn’t been that deep, but it was deep enough that some small amount of blood seeped out slowly from the minor wound. It had only started dripping on the carpet when Jim had pulled the second shard out. He stared at the last shard, the biggest of them all and sighed, building up as much courage as he could. The other two hadn’t hurt at all but this piece was dug in deeper.

Jim bit the inside of his cheek and reached for the shard of glass. He ripped it out of his foot like pulling off a bandaid. Just like a bandaid though, the pain had taken a second to catch up and once the blood started to flow freely down his foot and onto the carpet beneath him, the pain increased tenfold, sending more bolts of electricity through his body.

Crying out, Jim flung himself back onto the bed, forgetting for a moment that blood was currently spilling out from his foot. He tried to keep a hold of his ankle to steady it but while he jerked around on the bed, blood lightly sprayed the carpet, a nearby wall and partly on his bed sheets.

When Jim finally calmed down, he took a few dizzying deep breaths and sat up.

His room was a mess, a perfect bloody show to a murder scene. He groaned as his foot continued to bleed but he’d had enough of being careful. He let go of his ankle and let his foot hit the floor without caution. As he made his way to the bathroom to wash everything off of him, he left a trail of bloody footprints on the carpet and the tiled floor.

Sighing, Jim turned on the shower and peeled off his clothing. Tossing them to the floor, he stepped into the enclosed space of the shower.

The water felt good on his skin, hot, and searing away all the sweat and blood that sat on top. Just as it had been a cure-all before, any trace of anger fell away and all that was left was pain in his foot and his head.

He hadn’t been this angry before and certainly not enough to start destroying things around him. Normally he’d just pout until he’d made it go away. Now it seemed to become dangerous, this hot-headedness.

All over a nightmare.

All over a nightmare about Khan.

A nightmare about Khan that he could only partially remember.

Jim sighed and leaned his head against a tiled wall, the water pelting him with fat droplets. It felt heavy against his skin but instead of feeling suffocated, Jim felt a sense of calm and peace wash over him.

Jim knew when things got out of hand. He knew this was dangerous, that these feelings inside had escalated greatly, as proven by the mess in his bedroom. He knew it was time to talk to someone but he couldn’t bring himself to bother Bones or any of his crew mates with this burden.

No, it was time to visit to his therapist again.

He had to figure out what had happened in his nightmare, to figure out what was making him so enraged. The doctor had said it was normal, a response anyone would feel having gone through what he’d gone through. Sure maybe at first it had been ptsd alone, but now it was something else.

Jim didn’t feel like himself anymore. No, now he felt as if he were teetering on the edge of a cliff, one way being a scared, smaller version of himself, and the other a giant monster wanting nothing but destruction and pain.

If he could, Jim would have holed himself up in his room for the rest of his days, because what else could the world offer if his love for space traveling had died. No, he had to get out and find out what it was that had changed him and what he could do to get some semblance of normalcy back.

The shower had run cold by now and Jim had started to shiver. His foot had stopped bleeding and all the blood had been washed away down the drain. Nothing but clear water swirled around the bottom, sinking into the tiny grate and rushing away from Jim. He could feel himself slip away as the water did, slip down his body, slip down his fingertips and his toes, and wash away from his skin.

He moved to switch the water off, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of escaping his skin, of becoming something else entirely, of wanting to become someone else entirely.

* * *

 

“Captain, welcome, I’ve been curious as to how you’ve been since leaving the hospital.”

Jim smiled at the doctor as he took his familiar seat on the client couch. Dr. Mayla, whom Jim had become comfortable around, smiled back at him. She had a lovely smile, ivory cheeks rising to press against lovely green eyes.

She was attractive enough that Jim would have hit on her in a second if he had been his normal self.

Instead, he’d met her when he was at his worst and upon meeting her, only knew of her as a shining beacon of friendship. He needed someone to talk to because he couldn’t talk to Bones and eventually she became someone he wanted to talk to because he wanted to talk to her.

“I’ve uhm...been okay.” The answer sounded uneven, faulty and unsure. Jim shrugged.

Dr. Mayla gave Jim a smiling look that said she knew better then to accept that.

Sighing, Jim ran a hand through his blonde hair. “Okay, not really okay. I uh, cut my foot today on some glass.”

“Why would you do that?” Dr. Mayla asked, resituating herself in her chair. “Was it intentional?”

“No no,” Jim shook his head, sitting up a little straighter. “It was an accident, I wasn’t paying attention.”

“So, something’s been on your mind?”

“Yeah.”

Clearing her throat, Dr. Mayla made the same face, urging him to continue. “Jim, why are you here today?”

Time seemed to slow for Jim. All at once he felt unsure if he should really spill his guts. Anything she had to write down would go on his record and if it was too much he might seal away his last chance to sail the skies forever.

He looked down at his foot, feeling an itch where his tiny wounds sat, an itch he couldn’t scratch through his shoe, and then looked back up at the doctor.

“I had a nightmare again, actually I’ve been having them every night.” He could feel everything bubble to the surface and once he began he couldn’t stop himself. “I lied when I said I wasn’t having them anymore. They’ve gotten worse since I left but I still can’t remember anything when I wake up. I just feel so angry and most of the time it goes away but today I-” His breath hitched in his throat, his voice breaking ever so slightly. “I broke some things in my apartment. I just wanted to break things.”

Dr. Mayla sat quietly and listened, watching Jim move about as he told her these things. He was jittery, unable to sit completely still and was starting to become visibly upset the more he went on. When he finished, she waited a moment, letting him catch his breath.

“I know I’ve mentioned it before Jim, but it's completely normal to feel anger. It's your body’s response to being confused. When we don’t know what to think, anger and fear is usually the first reaction we come to. It’s only been a few weeks, people sometimes go through this for a lot longer.”

Jim just stared at Dr. Mayla. Before he could stop them, his eyes began to tear up and he looked away.

“I feel like something is wrong with me, like something inside feels wrong. I can feel a little like myself when I’m awake but when I go to sleep I’m a different person. I had a nightmare about Khan.”

His voice had trailed to just barely a whisper by Dr. Mayla picked it up even so. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Jim shook his head. “No, yes, I’m not sure. I can’t remember most of it. It starts out with us on Qo’noS, fighting the Klingons, catching up to him. Things play out like a memory, but it’s clearer then that. I remember watching him, I can’t stop watching him, even when Uhura and Spock pull me from the ground. He’s fighting the Klingons, he’s killing them with moves I’ve never seen and then he’s pulling back his hood and he’s telling me he’s surrendering and then nothing. I can’t remember anything after that. I just know that when I woke up I felt like I needed to break something.”

Dr. Mayla cleared her throat. “Jim, that’s nor-”

“Don’t tell me that’s normal!” He shouted, surprising himself along with the doctor. He was ready to jump up from the couch but he pulled himself back and shifted on the couch. “I’m sorry.” He said, quietly, folding in on himself into the couch cushions. “It’s just, whatever I’m feeling, its not normal. I know how I use to feel. I don’t feel that way anymore.”

Sighing, Dr. Mayla stood up from her chair and moved around to her desk behind it, her brown curls bouncing against her back and shoulders. She rummaged around in a drawer for a good moment before quietly moving back to Jim. He’d sunk forward, resting his head in his hands. She knelt beside him and pressed a hand on his arm. “Jim, look, it’s clear that your biggest hurdle are these nightmares. If you can remember them, maybe you can work through them.”

Shifting, Jim peeked out behind a hand at the doctor. He noted that she held something in her other hand, a small mechanical item. “I don’t know how to remember them.”

“I have just the thing. This machine,” She held up the item in her hand. It was small, about the size of her palm and round. At first it looked like a hockey puck, a thick black disc, but there was a small button on the side with a tiny red light. “is used to track dreams. I use it sometimes for my clients who I use hypnosis on. It records the dreams so that they can watch it back later if they so choose.”

Jim sat up slowly, his eyes darting from the disc to the doctor.

“If you’d like to take this home and use it, you can, but I urge you to have someone stay with you. Using this could cause you to sleep walk and you’d need someone to make sure you stay put.”

Jim eyed the tiny machine again. If this disc could help him figure out why he was feeling the way he was, he’d trust the doctor. Nodding, he accepted it when Dr. Mayla handed it off to him. She stood and smiled down at him.

“Just please don’t destroy it, it’s very expensive.” She chuckled lightly and though Jim wanted to replicated it, he could only muster up a smile.

* * *

 

The disc sat on his wet bar countertop, the red light constantly beaming. It held an air about it, an air that said it held all the answers to Jim’s problems.

He'd stared at it a good while as if certain the inanimate object would move.

Jim was on his third glass of scotch by the time he decided it wasn't going to do anything but sit there.

He'd spent most of the day cleaning up his room, scoffing at the poor job he'd executed. The sheets had been replaced and the glass picked up, but no amount of scrubbing would clear off the last stains of blood on the carpet.

Jim regretted cleaning up after he got back from visiting with Dr. Mayla when he should have done so before. He was freaking out and desperately needed to talk with her.

She'd given him this tiny disc and it seemed to haunt him. It would be a few hours until the sun went down and even though the scotch was helping him feel sleepy, he still had to wait for Bones to come by.

When a soft knock on the door sounded, Jim hopped up from his bar stool. Normally Bones would have just entered, knowing the code for the keypad so when Jim opened the door he was a bit surprised to see Spock standing there instead.

“Mr. Spock.” For a moment Jim forgot how to speak. “Uh, I, what are you doing here?”

They hadn’t seen each other since Jim had woken up from coma. Even though things were fine between them, Jim had made sure not to see Spock during his week in the hospital. He’d go so far as to have the nurses tell Spock, when he came to visit, that Jim was busy with therapy sessions or exercising. After the first few times Spock tried to see him and couldn’t, he’d relented and quit coming altogether.  

It may have put another strain on their already fragile friendship but Jim didn’t want Spock to see him as he struggled to walk briskly or fell over at the slightest bump against something at hip height.

Jim had meant to contact Spock in someway or another when he was cleared to go home but as the days fell one after the other, Jim fell in on himself and became deaf to the world around him.

Spock stood straight in the doorway, his arms resting lightly behind his back. “Captain, Dr. McCoy couldn’t break away from his previous engagement and asked me to come in his stead.” He was a regular closed book as far as Jim was concerned but underneath Spock was anything but anxious.

He’d often wondered why Jim hadn’t wanted his presence at the hospital. At first when he felt the familiar sting of exclusion, Nyota had been there to explain that their Captain was going through a rough patch and probably didn’t want anyone to see him like that.

So Spock sat back and waited. Jim would see him when he wanted to.

Then another week had passed by and when McCoy had mentioned to him and Nyota that Jim was home from the hospital, Spock once again felt that Jim didn’t want to see him specifically.

When McCoy called his communicator and mentioned to Spock that he wasn’t able to go to Jim’s, Spock jumped at the chance to take the burden off his hands, and possibly because he too was worried about his friend.

Jim stared at Spock for a moment, debating if he should just push this experiment back to another night that Bones was available. The small disc seemed to stare at him from the countertop, burning holes into the back of Jim’s head. He couldn’t ignore it’s existence nor it’s answers for another night.

Sighing, he stepped aside and gestured Spock inside. When the doors swished closed behind the Vulcan, Jim made his way back to the bar. He watched as Spock surveyed the living space, noting the placement of the furniture, noting the closed door of Jim’s bedroom. Jim grabbed another glass and filled his and it with the scotch he’d been drinking.

“Did Bones mention what the favor was?” Jim asked, sliding the filled glass down to where Spock had come to stand at the wet bar. They sat across from each other, the countertop in between, and silently downed the contents of the glass.

“I assumed it was to check on your well being.”

Jim sighed, a small giggle escaping as he poured more of what seemed like never-ending scotch. “I need someone to watch me while I sleep.”

Spock paused in the middle of raising his glass to his mouth. He placed it back on the table, tilting his head slightly as he did when things became curious. “I’m not sure I understand, Captain.”

“Jim.”

“I’m not sure I understand. Jim.” Spock continued to stare at the other, perplexed by the situation.

Jim could practically hear the sass in Spock’s monotonous tone. He snickered, downing his glass. He moved to set it down and missed setting it straight, catching the edge on the countertop and sending the glass to clang loudly against the surface.

Both moved to straighten it but when Spock beat him to it, Jim retracted his hand, fingers coming dangerously close to accidentally caressing the other’s knuckles. “Sorry.” He mumbled, moving to pour himself yet another glass of alcohol.

Spock moved the glass away and watched as Jim caught his eye. “You’ve become intoxicated. Is this why Dr. McCoy wanted me to stop by?”

Perturbed that his drinking was interrupted, Jim rolled his eyes and set down the decanter of scotch. “No, I told you. I need someone to watch me while I sleep.”

“Please elaborate Ca-Jim.”

Sighing, Jim gestured towards the ever looming black disc that sat on the table only a few inches away from them. “I haven’t been sleeping well since...well since I was at the hospital.” By now he could feel himself loosen up with the other when normally all he felt was a strained, tense air.

Spock picked up the small device, turning it in his hand to survey the entire mechanical item.

“My therapist says this will help me while I’m sleeping, to see what I can’t seem to, uhm, remember.” Already Jim’s mind was starting to feel fuzzy. He’d begun to slur words a bit but he still knew what he was on about. “Here.”

Jim took the disc from Spock and pressed the small button, the red light turning to blue as the top popped open. Inside lay a small earpiece, somewhat akin to an antique hearing-aid. Jim removed it and wrapped the thin plastic band around the outside of his ear, placing the small mechanical piece inside his ear.

He heard a small beep emit from the tiny device and watched as the blue light on the disc turn back to red.

“Dr. Mayla said I needed someone here in case I sleep walk. I’m sorry Bones didn’t tell you, you don’t have to do it.”

Spock had been watching Jim this whole time, noticing not only that Jim seemed reluctant to even open the device, let alone turn it on and place it in his ear, but that he was tired, exhausted even. He could see the difference in Jim, now that he was closer to the other.

“No, I’ll stay. I must admit I was a little surprised that you allowed me through the door.” While mentally kicking himself, Spock couldn’t stop his voice from taking on a bit of annoyance.

Jim noticed it.

“I’m sorry.” He started. “I haven’t been myself lately, but hopefully this will help.” He said, pointing to the object in his ear. “Really Spock, I just didn’t want to see anyone.”

Nodding, Spock took Jim’s words for truth and looked around the living space again. “Go ahead and go to bed. I will simply meditate out here if you need me for anything.”

“Thank you Spock.”

The tiniest of smiles graced Spock’s face for a mere second. “Of course, Jim.”


	2. Dream of Me on Qo'noS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This dream sequence really got away from me D;
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> Also be sure to check out my writing tumblr at Lost-Fading-Thoughts and my secondary blog at Sailingthroughthestars!

_ It was hard to see everything as lights flashed passed by and rubble rained down upon him, but Jim could still make out the darkened shape of Khan fighting off more Klingons then he could count.  _

_ The man was magnificent.  _

_ In fell swoop, Khan had ripped off his mask, jumped down from his heightened stance and obliterated the enemies around them.  _

_ Jim watched in awe as he came upon them, shooting the gun out from Spock without even a second glance.  _

_ When Khan spoke, Jim’s heart skipped a beat.  _

_ Then Jim was on his feet, he was hitting Khan over and over. Khan wasn't feeling any of it but Jim kept on throwing punches. He needed the other to feel in as much pain as he was. He needed Khan to bend to his will.  _

_ When Khan would not fall and Uhura screamed for him to stop, Jim fell back, the madness in him settling away for another day.  _

_ Blue eyes met mint green and suddenly the world fell away.  _

_ “Captain?” _

_ Darkness.  _

_ Jim could feel himself sitting on a solid floor though when he opened his eyes, everywhere around him was pitch black. He felt strangely alone, aware that he was dreaming, but then the feeling passed and he felt another presence.  _

_ “Hello Kirk.” _

_ The voice echoed around him, deep and rumbling like an oncoming storm. Jim stood and looked around, trying to pinpoint where the voice was coming from.  _

_ He heard the voice chuckle and it sent shivers down his spine.  _

_ “So nice to see you again.” It breathed on the back of his neck, warm and wet, engulfing him entirely in heat.  _

_ Jim tried to move, to bat the overwhelming rush of hormones away but it only made the voice chuckle more.  _

_ Without warning, Jim was thrown onto his back. He braced, ready to hit the hard surface he’d previously been sitting on but was surprised when he felt it give way to his weight, a soft cushiony mattress having appeared out of nowhere.  _

_ Jim struggled to move, he tried to roll over, sit up, limbs flailing at nothing until he finally came in contact with a solid body.   _

_ Jim looked up.  _

_ Khan looked down.  _

_ Khan smiled and Jim began to flail wildly about. “Get off me!” He yelled. Fists collided with arms, knees collided with legs and yet Khan didn't move an inch. He solidified on top of Jim, his bottom comfortably hovering above Jim’s stomach. “What are you doing here? Where am I?” _

_ The questions made Khan pause for a moment. He sighed and moved off and away from Jim. He seemed to seep into the darkness surrounding them and before Jim could finish blinking, the pitch black exploded into color, settling into something resembling a bedroom.  _

_ It was a large room with four walls but all that sat in the middle was a bed, put together with crisp, clean linens.  _

_ Jim rolled over and off the bed, staggering to stand and look around at his surroundings. He couldn’t see Khan but he felt him everywhere. He felt like the walls were moving in but they hadn’t actually moved, no, what he was feeling was Khan coming up behind him. _

_ “Must we go through this every time?” Khan’s voice echoed. _

_ Khan walked out from behind Jim, circling him and surveying him.  _

_ “Ah, but I see you have a new toy.” Khan chuckled, reaching out a hand to gently touch the device in Jim’s ear.  _

_ Jim whipped his head back, trying to get as much distance from the other as he could. “What are you talking about? Why are you in my dreams?”  _

_ Sighing, Khan ran a hand through his unkempt raven locks. “You’ve been coming here a handful of times.” Mint green eyes locked with those baby blues and Khan had to take a moment to collect his thoughts. “Each and every time I have to remind you. Hopefully with that device, I won’t have to.”  _

_ Khan took a step towards Jim, watching as the other stilled, wanting to back away but intrigued enough to stay put. Smiling, Khan took two more steps until they were only a few inches apart. “It pains me that you can’t remember anything.” _

_ “What are you talking about, why am I dreaming about you?” _

_ Chuckling, Khan began to make his circles around Jim again. “You’re dreaming about me because I am everywhere.” He paused to stand behind the blonde, pushing the boundary and running a sleek finger down along the center of Jim’s back. “I am everywhere inside of you.” _

_ Jim could feel Khan’s lips brush up against one of his ears. He felt the pressure flowing down his back and he could feel the goosebumps rising on his skin. This was a familiar feeling, one he hadn’t been able to fully grasp onto when waking. Now, he felt it strongly, as if he were truly awake and being touched so dangerously by Khan. _

_ “Stop.” The words forced themselves to the surface and Jim wheeled around, grasping Khan’s arm. “Stop this, tell me what you mean.” It was as if Jim already knew the answer but he needed Khan to say it, to say the words he’d been dreading since he’d appeared here. _

_ “It’s your blood, Kirk. Or rather, my blood.” Khan reached around with his other arm, wrapping it around Jim’s waist. He pulled the other close before Jim could react and pull away. “It rushes from the tips of your toes to the top of your head and I am everywhere within it. Can’t you feel it Kirk? Can’t you feel me inside of you?” _

_ Jim released Khan’s arm and shoved at him, wishing he were just a little bit stronger then the other. He struggled but Khan wouldn’t give way. “Let me go!” He yelled, his voice booming around the large room. “Now!”  _

_ Khan smiled. “As you wish.” He released his hold on Jim, watching as the other staggered backwards. Before Jim could get a handle on his feet, Khan merely took two steps towards him and nudged him backward. _

_ This mattress somehow felt softer then the first. Jim practically bounced down upon it. He hoisted himself up on his elbows, watching as Khan moved with an unstoppable force, climbing atop him. _

_ “This is nuts!” Jim stammered, trying to move way but failing. “Th-this has got to be my brain trying to tell me something. No wait!” _

_ Khan wasn’t wasting any time, he was busy leaning downward, his hands bunching up Jim’s shirt, fingers pressing along warm skin. His mouth found a delicious spot on Jim’s neck and promptly fasten itself against it, nibbling against the sensitive flesh, lavishing it with a very skilled tongue. _

_ A noise Jim had no idea he could make fell from his lips.  _

_ Everything was happening too fast and became too overwhelming. Hadn’t he just been trying to push Khan, his enemy, away from him? Why now were his hands gripping the other’s shoulders, not quite pulling closer and yet not quite pushing away? _

_ Heat flooded his body, rushing too fast for Jim to even think straight.  _

_ For a split second he remembered the device in his ear and he snapped back to reality. _

_ “N-no, get off.” He pushed against the other. “Wait, please.”  _

_ Khan stopped.  _

_ Just like that, his hands fell away out from under Jim’s shirt. He loomed over the other, looking down at him with a heavy stare.  _

_ “What a sight to behold, Kirk. Your breathing is erratic and your skin is flushed red. How can you ask me to stop?” He drawled, running a finger down the side of Jim’s neck, watching as the vein beneath throbbed to his touch. _

_ “Because I don’t know what’s going on and I’m looking for answers.” Jim wished he didn’t look so undone beneath the other but the tiny amount of space between them was enough pull himself out of this daze. “Are you really here or is my mind playing a very perverted trick on me?” He asked between his mild panting. _

_ Khan smirked and rolled off from Jim yet again. He quietly stood and watched as Jim sat up, the hem of his shirt falling to his lap. _

_ “Just as I am in my cryotube, I am here as well. We are connected, Kirk, by the blood. I am not a trick of the mind. I sat in wait, healing you and watching you, until you dreamed of me on Qo’noS. You let me in then.” _

_ What could Jim say now? If Khan were telling the truth then this dream wasn’t really a dream at all. His brain wasn’t try to tell him some underlying reason for his anger, it was merely a room where two people could connect, and for some reason, Jim really wanted them to connect.  _

_ Khan took a cautious step forward, his legs pressing against Jim’s inner thighs. He watched as the those blue eyes rolled upwards the length of his body and fixate sharply on his own. Sometimes they were simply baby blue but other times they were as deep as sapphires, cold and calculating.  _

_ Jim was watching Khan reach out towards him, his fingers resting lightly atop his shoulders. It was a soft, feathery touch, one that sent goosebumps to rise on his skin. “You tried to kill me.” The words left Jim’s mouth in a whisper but Khan could feel the heaviness behind it. _

_ He’d heard these words before when Jim had visited this space. He’d responded in the same manner as he always had, reiterating that Jim had tried to kill him too. This time seemed different though. _

_ Of course now Jim would see the playback of this dream, would know that this conversation took place and even though Khan had been ready to repeat his side of the story, this time he decided to change it. _

_ When they first met, Jim was full of anger and rage because of the death of a loved one. He’d held back and still chose a diplomatic approach to dealing with his grief. He’d been ready to give Khan a second chance by trial, but now he could see the anger and rage building up again inside Jim. This time was Jim grieving for himself. _

_ Khan had never received his trial. He’d been put back in his cryotube and packed away with his crew. He never would have known this if it hadn’t been for Jim.  _

_ While Jim lay unconscious in his coma, the blood of Khan had run through his body tenfold, filling in all the cracks, healing all the broken bones and psyches. He’d sat in the back of Jim’s mind, hearing any and all conversations in the room when the doctor and nurses thought no one was listening.  _

_ He’d sat there, waiting for another chance, quietly patient to make a move. _

_ All he wanted to do was hurt Jim the first time he’d met him in this space, but when Jim appeared, frightened and confused, Khan could feel the instantaneous pull of his blood, a bond greater than anything he’d ever felt before. _

_ It was a strong desire for the Captain. One he’d managed to hold off on acting out until now. _

_ Khan raised a hand, trailing his fingers along the shape of Jim’s face. His fingers dance lightly against the stubble on Jim’s jaw and when he realized the blonde hadn’t made a move to stop him, he’d gripped that hardened chin and tilted that perfect face upwards. _

_ Leaning in close, Khan whispered against Jim’s lips. “Punish me then, Captain.”  _

_ It was as if a light switched on inside of Jim.  _

_ His face flushed red, the ends of his fingers turned icy cold, the hair on his arms stood straight up. He could feel a rush of adrenaline course through him and in one quick motion, he reeled a hand back, balled it into a fist, and rammed it into the side of Khan’s head. _

_ He sent Khan flying to the floor, an audible groan escaping Jim as his knuckles burned like fire. He rushed from the edge of the bed to pick Khan up by the scruff of his clothing, shoving him backward to deliver another round of blows. _

_ Jim could see Khan visibly caught off guard and stagger backwards, but he wouldn’t make a sound. Just as he did on Qo’noS, Khan took the punches to his stomach and the kicks to his knees. He’d felt Jim’s feet swipe underneath his own and send him crashing to the floor. Still, he made no sound. _

_ This enraged Jim even more. He kept kicking Khan in the abdomen until his own foot began to hurt. It was as if he were kicking a giant boulder. “Get up!” He yelled, out of breath and out of his mind.  _

_ Jim moved to grab him again but Khan was quicker. He rolled out of the way of Jim’s hands and scrambled to stand. Just as fists came flying at his face, he brought up his arms to block them. When Jim threw a punch farther then he’d intended, Khan took his chance and spun around him elbowing Jim in the lower end of his back. _

_ Collapsing on the floor, Jim turned to see Khan just as restless as himself. They stared at each other a long time, trying to catch what little breath they had left. _

_ “Did that make you feel better Kirk?” Khan’s voice rumbled around them, as if he were the entire room itself. _

_ It did not but Jim couldn’t say anything. He tried to lift himself up but his arms gave way. He laid on the floor, panting and sweating and just so angry he thought he might be sick. He heard Khan’s feet step towards him but he was too tired to continue the fight, too tired to do much else but lay there, wondering when he’d wake up. _

_ Hands gripped his arms and Jim was dragged to his feet. Without a word, Jim let Khan lead him back to the bed. His knees hit the edge of the mattress and he flopped onto his back, his legs hanging off the side.  _

_ Staring up the ceiling seemed to help calm him down somewhat. It was bare of any design but the longer he stared, the more at peace he became. _

_ That is until he heard the sound of a zipper being pulled downwards.  _

_ Jim shot up, every nerve in his body suddenly at attention, and watched as Khan crawled back atop him. One of his hands were busy sliding its way into Jim’s pants, his fingers cool against the heated skin.  _

_ “Uh-h-hold on-ah!” Jim could feel himself eagerly respond as if every touch burned like fire against him. It sent bolts of electricity throughout his body, flooding him with an intense desire he'd never experienced before. _

_ Khan leaned downward, his lips brushing against Jim’s ear. “Just look at the mess you've made of me Kirk.” His teeth grazed Jim’s ear, nibbling tiny bites along the sensitive lobe. “My clothes are a mess, my hair is out of place. I think my face is as flushed as yours and my breathing...oh I feel like I’ve already gone around the bend with you.”  _

_ Jim was just completely undone.  _

_ Everything Khan did and said to him was driving him insane, the blood inside of him rushing about to private places played magnificently with delicately skilled fingers.  _

_ He could feel the desire growing, an almost animalistic rush of urges coursing throughout his entire being. He couldn't stop himself. He raised his hands to grip Khan’s shoulders, his fingers digging into the muscle through of the clothing. Jim wanted to press harder, to break the bone laying underneath but with Khan he could only apply mild pressure.  _

_ Jim wanted to hurt Khan but he also didn’t want Khan to stop. _

_ “It’s all your fault.” Jim whispered, stifling moans as Khan continued to lick and bite the length of his neck. His hips moved in time with Khan’s fingers, those lovely digits wrapped so tenderly around his arousal. “All of this.” He continued, letting a few groans escape between his words. “If you hadn’t done what you did, I wouldn’t have had to die. I wouldn’t be feeling this way.” _

_ Khan’s free hand continued where he’d left off earlier, snaking its way up under Jim’s shirt. He trailed the tips of his fingers down the warm flesh, his nails tickling the skin. He’d been quiet, letting Jim speak, letting him say his piece but Khan couldn’t hold his tongue any longer. _

_ He quietly leaned up, his lips reluctant to leave Jim’s neck, and stared down at the other man. Those blue eyes pierced Khan, filled with lust but also with hate, with every feeling Jim had had after waking up from his coma.  _

_ Khan could have said a witty comment, but he saw the pain laying underneath, a pain he knew all too well. One that derived from not knowing what his future held. There wasn’t much of a future when one was sleeping it all away, frozen in time. _

_ “I’m sorry.” _

_ Jim hadn’t expected to hear those words, neither had Khan upon saying them, but his voice, deep and filled with understanding reverberated around Jim. The words whirled around him as if he were laying in the eye of a storm. He couldn’t hear much but he knew in an instant everything would crash down around him. _

_ Reaching up a hand, Jim gripped one side of Khan’s head, his thumb resting lightly on the other’s ear. Tears had begun to rise to his eyes, blurring his vision. He moved his hands across Khan’s face, wanting to destroy the handsome visage but Khan stopped what he’d previously been doing with Jim. He pushed Jim’s hand out of the way and when it came back, he batted it away again. _

_ Before Jim could try again, Khan reached downward with both hands and cupped Jim’s jaw. He brought the blonde’s face closer to his own and as Jim choked out a sob, Khan crashed his lips against the other’s. _

_ Tears flowed freely down Jim’s face, both of them grasping at each other as if there wasn’t anything else to hold on to. The metaphorical storm surrounded them, rushing tides of desire wracking their bodies and turning their brains to mush. _

_ Jim wasn’t sure why he was taking solace in his enemy, why this particular event was even happening, but he felt good. He hadn’t felt this good in a long time and Jim wasn’t one to argue when a good thing fell in his lap. _

_ Or rather when a very amorous individual who was busy trying to undress him between passionately lavish kisses fell into his lap.  _

_ Jim’s shirt was gone an instant, having been tossed to some darkened part of the room. For a moment he could breath as Khan leaned back to enjoy the view. Jim lay beneath him, hair disheveled, skin an erotic shade of blush, lips perfectly kiss-swollen. Khan couldn’t help himself, a chuckle bubbling up. “What a beautiful sight.” He smirked, devilishly delighted. _

_ And it was.  _

_ At first, Khan’s only and purest reason for attacking Jim thusly was the intoxication of their shared blood. It was more of a magnetic pull, an urge that piled atop his desire to hurt Jim. It was a mixture of the two now, wanting to hurt Jim but ravish him at the same time.  _

_ He waited until Jim’s eyes found his, in invisible link of blue and green that pulled him back downward. In one swift motion, Khan bit down on the sensitive flesh that sat neatly between Jim’s neck and shoulder. His teeth punctured the skin and he could feel Jim’s hips thrust against him, could hear the strangled, surprised, and quite possibly, pained gasp escape his lips. _

_ Khan felt a hand in his hair, fingers grasping a handful and pulling. He felt Jim’s body tense against him. He could hear Jim moan with pain and pleasure all rolled into one.  _

_ He could taste the blood coursing over his tongue and teeth and running down his chin. It was warm and welcoming and he wanted Jim to bleed more. Khan dug his teeth in further, feeling more skin tear and more blood flow. He felt a tug on his hair again and Jim’s body tense even further but he wanted to do so much more. _

_ Khan broke away from the wound momentarily, leaning up to smile down at Jim. Blood flowed down his chin, down his neck and chest, staining his shirt, and he watched as Jim’s breathing quickened, his hand grasping at any part of Khan he could get his hands on. He heard the groans leaving his mouth, could see the lust and pain deepening in his wonderful blue orbs. _

_ It was enough to drive Khan over the edge. He rushed Jim, his teeth finding the wound again, the flesh around it already starting to purple. Before Jim could think twice, Khan bit down again. Hard. _

* * *

 

Jim had known pain in his life. He'd pretty much been the reason he so often had the crap beaten out of him. He knew good fights and bad fights and everything in between but the pain he was feeling now had been entirely something new. 

He'd shot up in bed, screaming. It was deep and terrifying and loud enough to surely wake the neighborhood. His blood beat loudly in his ears and he couldn't focus on anything in room, just the pain.

Jim hadn't even noticed when Spock came flying into the room, unsure but ready to attack. It was only after he had spent a few good minutes hyperventilating that he remembered he wasn’t alone. 

“Jim, Jim breathe.” Spock was by his side once he’d realized there was no immediate threat. He grasped his Captain by the shoulders to steady him but Jim shoved his arms away, smacking Spock and vaulting from the bed. 

He’d managed to trip somewhere on the mattress and fell onto the floor where he promptly yelped in pain again. Spock moved to help Jim up but he stopped short, caught off guard by a heavily darkened bruise on Jim’s shoulder. 

It was purple and blue and most certainly had not been there the night before. Spock would have seen part of it peeking out of Jim’s shirt, which, he now noticed, had somehow found its way on the other side of the room. 

Jim was barely at a crawl now, trying to pick himself back up and failing whenever he put pressure on the arm afflicted by this mysterious and terrifying bruise. Spock was more cautious this time, in approaching Jim. Since the blonde was no longer in a hurry to get away, Spock slowly leaned down and grabbed Jim by his good arm, hoisting him back up on his feet.

“What’s going on?” Jim asked, his voice hoarse from screaming. He felt Spock settle him on the edge of the bed. When he could properly focus, he looked up to see Spock staring back at him, concern written all over his face. It was an odd view to see surely. Wrinkles formed between the Vulcan’s brows, his eyes narrowed and he stared intently back at Jim. “Spock?”

Jim watched Spock’s eyes slide from his own downward to settle on his own shoulder. Jim followed suit and saw the bruise.

He saw the bruise and panicked.

“Where the hell did this come from?” Jim yelled, jumping up from the bed again. He didn’t wait to hear a response from Spock. Instead he bolted for the bathroom and the mirror. “Oh my god.” He whispered, catching sight of Spock coming up behind him in the mirror.

“I can assure you that you have not moved from your bed all night.”

“How did I get this bruise then? Ow.” Jim winced as he tried to raise the arm the bruise lay on. He could barely move it all without the pain shooting through him and assumed he’d either dislocated it or broke something.

“That, I am unsure about, Jim.”

Jim pressed lightly on the bruise with his good hand and gasped at the small amount of electricity that flashed through him. He leaned against the sink, his good hand gripping the porcelain while he waited for the pain to stop. He wasn’t liking the fact that Spock could see his face flush in the reflection of the mirror. He wasn’t happy that he’d noticed that Spock noticed it.

“I believe you wore that device to see what you were dreaming about. Perhaps it would also explain the bruise on your shoulder. However, I’d advise you to visit Dr. McCoy before you watch the playback.”

Sighing, Jim felt the last of the waves of pain, and some other contradicting feeling, leave him. He could feel sweat form on his forehead and his skin felt heated. “You don’t say.” He grumbled, trying to get a hold of himself again. “Alright, yeah, I’ll go see Bones.”

“May I accompany you, Jim?”

Jim turned around, a bit surprised by Spock’s question. It was a normal question, nothing odd about that, but Jim could hear the concern laced underneath his normal, monotonous tone. Shaking his head and clearing his mind of everything, Jim nodded. “Sure, Spock.” 


	3. Embarrassingly Answered Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a bit of a problem with this chapter where I ended up writing a good portion only to delete it because it wasn't going in the direction I wanted it to but I eventually found my muse to finish it up so here ya go! :3
> 
> As always come find me on tumblr --> lostfadingthoughts.tumblr.com or through my secondary (more star trekky blog) --> sailingthroughthestars.tumblr.com 
> 
> Be sure to leave a comment down below before you leave! :3

Jim was having a rough time with only one working arm. 

He tried to put another shirt on but he couldn’t quite do it without getting stuck. Changing pants were a little easier but he had to sit down to even pull them up. Eventually and reluctantly, he let Spock help him with his shirt. 

Spock was gentle, guiding one arm hole over and up the damaged arm. Jim simply pushed his head through the neck hole and on his own finished with his good arm. It was strange, to say the least, but Jim was grateful that it was Spock helping him and not Bones, who’d probably chide him in the middle of helping him.

Spock was silent, watchful and careful. It gave Jim a bit of peace.

He’d been so frazzled from the events of the morning that he’d forgotten to take the device out of his ear, so Spock reached up gingerly and removed it. Jim watched him closely, fascinated by how soft the touch of Spock’s fingers were. 

The feeling of this moment was a nice, stark contrast to the panic he’d felt earlier and Jim couldn’t helping letting out a sigh of minor relief.

The calm didn’t last forever though.

Jim’s comm chirped off in the distance and he could feel his body tense up, knowing it was Bones on the other end. Both Spock and Jim eyed the comm for a moment, neither making a move as it continually chirped away. Eventually Jim sighed and answered it.

“Jim here.”

“Hey sorry for not coming by last night, I had-”

“It’s okay, Spock was here. Listen Bones, I need to meet you at the hospital.”

There was silence for a moment on the other end. It made Jim nervous but he waited for Bones to say something. “What’s happened?”

“Nothing, just-” Jim sighed, looking over at Spock who merely rose that iconic brow of his. “I think I broke something.”

“...Like an chair?”

“Stop, just meet us at the hospital.”

“Fine. I’ll be there soon.”

* * *

 

Jim could feel his stomach twist into knots the closer they got to the hospital. Truly he had nothing to worry about. He was almost sure that it wasn’t his own fault for harming himself but he was anxious nonetheless, moreso because if he’d had his way he would have just stayed home and watched the playback first.

Spock was right though. The pain in his arm and shoulder were starting to become unbearable the longer it dangled at his side. The heavy weight was starting to build a mound of agony and utter annoyance but trying to hold it up in a sling like fashion was just as painful.

They’d reached Bones’ office on one of the higher floors. It held a nice view of the city outside and with the sun shining through it was brightly lit, shiny and clean. Dr. McCoy, who sat in a chair at one of the desks was a dark beacon contrasting with the luminous room. 

Anyone would have thought Bones was having a bad morning but Jim simply knew his friend was just a concentrated ball of worry.

Jim tried his best to smile but Bones was having none of it. “What happened?” He repeated himself. He could see Jim favouring one side over the other, slightly leaning to allow his bad arm to lay up against his side. He looked from Spock then back to Jim, waiting for an explanation.

“I-”

“Doctor, I believe Jim may have acquired his injury during his repose.”

“You hurt yourself in your sleep?” Bones asked pointedly.

“Y-yeah.” Jim shrugged, immediately regretting it as pain shot through his shoulder and down his spine. He felt Spock’s hand on his good elbow, helping to steady him as his knees began to shake. 

Bones went for him too, helping Spock help Jim over to the patients bed in a nearby, smaller room. “Whoa whoa. Jesus, how bad is it?”

When the tidal wave of pain and pressure subsided and without having to ask out loud, Spock helped Jim remove his shirt, carefully and cautiously removing his arm from the hole of the fabric.

Bones stared back, his mouth slightly open in awe at the sight of the bruise on Jim’s shoulder. He wouldn’t have known that it had grown in circumference since the first sighting but Spock noticed. It was spreading up Jim’s neck, over his shoulder blade, over his collarbone and it was deepening in color.

Spock said nothing, choosing not to put Jim into another panic. He was just as eager to find out what had happened to his friend. 

“I’d say it’s broken.” 

Jim felt like smacking Bones in the arm but he decided against it, wanting to stay as still and pain free as possible. Instead he pulled a face and watched Bones roll his eyes and walk over to a tray table nearby.

He grabbed what appeared to be a tablet, but instead of using it as such, Bones held it up in front of the bruise on Jim and tapped a small button. The screen flashed on, showing that the tablet was in fact a small x-ray machine. Bones hovered it over the injury, surprise registering on his face. He was at a loss for what he was seeing.

Spock turned and stood next to the doctor, he too at a loss for words at the image on the screen.

All of the bones were completely intact. No break, no fracturing, no dislodging from any joints. 

“I do not understand.” Spock finally spoke, breaking the silence that seemed to intensify every second no one said anything.

Jim was perplexed, not being able to see what the other two were looking at. “What?” He asked, anxious for the answer.

Bones took a quick shot of the image with the same small button he’d use to switch the tablet on. He turned it around to show Jim. “There’s nothing wrong. You’re shoulder is completely fine.”

Jim reached out for the tablet with his good hand, taking a moment to look over the image of his bones. “That can’t be..how - I can’t move it!” He could feel his heart start to race, panic rising in his voice. He kept trying to turn the tablet to look at it every which way but it slipped from his grip. 

Before he could stop himself, Jim instinctively reached out with his bad arm to try and catch it. Pain flooded every sense and nerve in his body as the tablet continued to fall and clatter to the floor.

Reeling backward, Jim cried out. It felt as if flames were covering every part of his body and then some, clouding his brain with nothing but agony. He felt arms on him, trying to hold him down as he flailed about, trying to grasp on to anything to steady himself. He heard the voices of his friends but nothing was getting through.

Nothing but a smile above him, a wicked grin dripping with his blood. It bubbled behind lips, flowed freely down a voluptuous neck, staining a plain old shirt. He heard the laughter that followed, a familiar sound that only brought confusion and anxiety.

The last thing Jim heard was his name whispered in his ear, rumbling and provocative, and then the pain overthrew everything, effectively knocking him out.

* * *

 

Much time had passed while Jim slept.

The sun had set and the clouds had rolled in, a storm brewing in the distance. 

Bones sat at his desk, softly dozing into his arms and Spock sat in a chair next to the hospital bed Jim slept in. 

They’d hooked him up to a monitor to keep an eye on his heart rate and they kept his shirt off to keep an eye on the growing bruise. It had eclipsed his entire shoulder by now, fading down his arm, down his chest and side and back. It looked horrible and probably felt as much but Jim seemed almost at peace while sleeping, his face relaxed, his breathing steady. 

Spock sat quietly in the chair, watching Jim as he slept. The perplexity of the bruise and non broken bones baffled him. He was worried. 

Digging into his pant pocket, Spock retrieved the recording device he’d removed from Jim’s ear earlier. He’d meant to hand it over to Jim once they’d left the hospital but had forgotten in his worry.

Slowly and carefully, Spock leaned forward and placed the device back into Jim’s ear. He wasn’t sure what all he’d pick up with Jim having been asleep for a good chunk of the day, but just maybe they’d record something else and learn more about what was happening to him.

Once the device was back in Jim’s ear, it emitted a tiny beep which caused Jim to stir slightly. Spock thought for a moment that Jim was waking up, but he was merely shifting a bit in his sleep. Jim sighed and smiled before becoming peaceful yet again.

* * *

 

_ “You’re crazy.” _

_ Khan sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I’m really getting tired of this game, Kirk.” _

_ “What game?” _

_ “I’m starting to feel hurt that you don’t remember our encounters.” Khan drawled.  _

_ “Well sorry but if I can’t remember you then maybe my brain is trying to protect me.”  _

_ “From what?” _

_ “From you, from this bruise. Do you know how I got this?” _

_ Khan chuckled. “I do but don’t fret, it’s just the blood taking over.” _

_ “So I’m going to be purple from now on? That’s not really my color.” _

_ “It will fade in time, but while it resides inside you it will spread. Can’t you feel it everywhere? Soon there will be no place left that I can’t reach.” _

_ “Don’t touch me.” _

_ “Watch the playback.” Khan whispered. “Watch and remember that you felt eager at my touch.” He chuckled. _

* * *

 

The night had passed along with the brief storm. Morning had come and with it a new sunrise. 

Jim opened his eyes, slowly regaining consciousness. He realized within minutes that he wasn’t at home, that he once again was waking up in the hospital. 

He peeked over and saw Bones snoozing on his desk and Spock asleep in the chair beside his bed. Both looked so at peace that Jim didn’t want to make a sound to wake them. Instead he peered down at his body and and saw that the bruise had grown overnight.

It had reached down to his hip now, wrapping around on the left side of his body, his arm completely engulfed in the deep purple hue. Though he couldn’t see it, he could feel that it had ran up his neck, spreading out across his jaw and ear. He could feel a dull throbbing wherever the bruise sat and it had become too hard to even move his leg. 

Staring up at the ceiling, Jim wondered if he’d ever return to his normal self. This bruise grew on his body just as his depression had while recovering from the events on the Enterprise, slow and painful. He wondered if this was karma for his reckless nature. Soon he’d be bound to this bed, in too much pain to move anything at all. 

Everyone else would move on without him.

Jim reached up with his good hand and plucked out the recording device from his ear. He assumed Spock must have placed it back in while he slept. He looked over at the sleeping Vulcan, who sat with his arms folded across his chest, his chin laying against his steadily rising chest. It was a nice image to see. 

The monitor Jim had been hooked up to began to beep as it alerted to erratic heartbeats. Jim heard Bones rustle from his desk which in turn woke Spock from his light slumber. 

“Jim?” Bones called gruffly as he walked over. “Are you okay?”

Jim smiled, reaching up to wipe away tears that had fallen down his face. He hadn’t been aware of them until he blinked, a little bit embarrassed. “I’m fine Bones.” He spoke, his voice also a little rough. 

The damn machine was beeping away and it was starting to annoying Jim. 

Without warning, Jim reached up with his left hand and grabbed at the monitor making all the noise. He gave one good tug and broke it away from the wall, promptly disconnecting and shutting off with a spark. 

Jim threw it to the ground at Bones’ feet and watched as it smashed to pieces.

Just as the moment came, it was gone with a flash of heat. Jim’s breathing was labored and every nerve in his body was twitching. Regret washed over him, his bright blue eyes wide with horror at what he’d just done.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He rambled on as Bones looked on with worry mixed with a little bit of fear. “I-I don’t know -”

Spock was up from his chair in a manner of seconds, knocking it back with a loud clack and causing Jim to jump up in fright. 

Staring up at Spock, Jim heard Bones shuffle around the broken monitor and glass that splattered the floor. He felt Bones come up behind him but he kept his eyes on Spock, his body shaking with anxiety and fear. Jim tried to find that serene feeling he’d felt the day before when Spock was helping him out of the apartment but no matter how long he looked at those brown eyes, he couldn’t find it. 

All he felt was frazzled and unhinged.

The only thing that seemed to break their invisible line was the pain returning to his body tenfold. 

It had disappeared during his outburst and Jim hadn’t realized it until it came back with a fervor. He felt the pain restrict his movement so all he could do was fall back on the bed. That too hurt, as if anything that bumped his bruised side set it on fire. He screamed out but this time was determined not to pass out from the pain. 

Bones brought the x-ray tablet up to Jim’s shoulder. He dragged it down the length of Jim’s body, slowly, to try and see any change. Though topside it appeared as if he was suffering from broken bones of a severe nature, inside his body was intact and in normal condition.  

When the pain subsided, Jim took a few deep breaths and reached underneath his back to grab the recording device. It had fallen between him and the mattress when his body decided to act on its own. He held out to Spock. 

“I need to watch the recording now. Whatever’s happening to me happened while I was asleep.”

Nodding, Spock took the device and watched as Bones walked away to grab something off his desk. It was another tablet the same size as the x-ray. Bones popped open a small compartment and waited for Spock to remove an even smaller item from the recording device. It was circular, about a quarter inch in in size and it fit nicely into the tablet’s compartment.

Bones pushed it back into the tablet and almost instantly the screen flashed on, an almost fuzzy, familiar scene playing out.

At first Jim wanted to say that he’d watch it by himself but he couldn’t bring himself to request it from Bones and Spock. The video was already playing and before he knew it, they were all invested and curious as to what went on in Jim’s head at night.

It was a strange feeling for Jim to see the playback. He knew it was his eyes he was looking out from but without the actual memory it felt like he was watching just another movie. 

One that seemed to involve Khan of all people. 

Spock cleared his throat, startling Jim a bit. “I believe it is only natural that you have night terrors of Khan, Jim. He was the reason why you had to sacrifice yourself to save our ship.”

Jim smiled at him then, feeling a sense of surety that Spock was right and there was nothing to worry about but it was only temporary. 

“Oh my god.” It was a tiny whisper but Jim could hear Bones loud enough to jar his attention back to the screen. 

Jim was standing in a room and Khan was busy circling him. He’d disappeared behind him and whispered in his ear. 

Then they were on the bed and Khan was touching Jim, kissing parts of Jim, fondling Jim and smiling down at Jim. 

It was almost too embarrassing for the blonde as he sat there and watched such an intimate scene played out on the screen in front of not only himself but Bones and Spock as well. 

Jim could feel the heat rising to his face as he watched the events of his dream unfold.

For a moment he tensed as the sight of the fisticuffs happening between Khan and himself and thought he’d finally found how he’d obtained his bruise, but the fight ended and Jim had been picked up off the floor with Khan’s help, taken over to the bed and laid down.

The sound of his zipper was so loud Jim thought the entire hospital could hear it. 

Spock, Bones and Jim sat in silence as Khan climbed back on top of Jim. The air in the hospital room was tense and quickly turning stale.

Jim couldn't believe what he was seeing, couldn’t believe that it was actually him enjoying the feeling of Khan’s fingers around him, of Khan’s body on top of his own. He couldn’t believe how torn he felt now, knowing that his body had betrayed him, even in a dream. 

How his body was beginning to betray him now. 

“ “ _ I’m sorry.”  _ ” 

The words rang out into the air, filled with sorrow and strangely what sounded like affection. It almost sounded real to Jim, as if Khan were in the room with him right now. 

The screen blurred for a moment and Jim could tell that he was tearing up in the dream for he was tearing up at this exact moment as well. 

Not by the words Khan spoke, but by everything he was seeing, everything that was and wasn’t him on that screen.

He watched as Khan pulled him upwards, as his planted his lips against Jim’s. The screen went black but only for a moment as Jim closed his eyes to enjoy the kiss.

They watched as things escalated slightly, as Khan pulled back to look down at Jim once more. Jim could hear Khan speaking but he couldn’t focus on the words. All he could focus on was Khan’s face. It had softened from their brief encounter.

Within a matter of seconds, Khan dived back down towards Jim and while the dream version of Jim stared up at the ceiling above him, the Jim that sat in the hospital bed heard his skin break, heard himself cry out in pleasure and pain. He watched as his own hand came up to tug on Khan’s hair, not to pull him away but to create more pain, because he needed more.

When Khan sat back, his face a bloodied mess, Jim could see his own hands reaching up to grab hold of anything he could, desperately trying to tug the other back down. 

When Khan moved back towards Jim and bit down on him again, Spock, Bones and Jim heard the strangled cry from dream Jim’s mouth and watched as the screen went black.

Jim was crying.

Bones was staring at the screen, waiting to see if there was anymore left on the recorded device. 

Spock hadn’t said a word. 

When some time passed, Bones moved to shut it off but Spock stopped him. “Doctor, I had the device record Jim while he was sleeping last night.”

“I don’t want to see it.” Jim declared, wiping his face as best he could with one hand. Bones looked back at him, his face a mixture of emotions. Spock couldn’t seem to bring himself to look back at Jim. Instead, he focused his gaze back to the screen and waited for the next recording to start.

It didn’t take long at all and what was on it wasn’t really that important.

Jim and Khan stood in a random, grey room. Khan explained that the bruise would fade in time and Bones shut off the screen. “That’s all I need to know.”

Spock still couldn’t bring himself to turn around and look at Jim and Jim noticed for he was busy staring at the back of Spock’s head, trying to will him to turn around with thought alone. 

Bones spoke up, trying to break a bit of the tension. “Spock-”

“I will see that Jim’s therapist receives this device.” Spock held out his hand to Bones and waited patiently as the device was removed and handed over to him. It had barely touched Spock’s palm before he folded his fingers around it and swiftly left the room.

Silence hung in the air for a moment as Jim tried to calm himself down. He watched as Bones walked over to him, watched as Bones’ face changed as he tried to cope with what he’d seen. It seemed that neither knew what to say.

After a while of stunned silence, Bones sighed. “Jim...I wish you would have told me that you weren’t okay.”

“I-”

Bones held up a hand that he’d been readying the moment he started to speak. “No. Listen, I knew that things were rough and that I had to help you some when you left here, cleared from physical therapy mind you, but dammit it Jim. I’m not only your doctor, I’m your friend.”

What more could Jim say when he wasn’t sure on how to process what he’d just seen. Spock leaving so quickly felt like another betrayal, both on his part and Spock's and even though Bones was staying by his side, Jim felt utterly alone.

“We’ll figure this out, okay? Just rest for tonight.”

Jim nodded, more tears falling down his face that he hadn’t bothered to wipe away. When Bones offered to give him something to sleep, Jim laughed and said he was pretty exhausted already. He waited for Bones to finish up some work and clean up the mess of glass and machinery on the floor. 

When he left, Jim lay in his bed, his mind a jumbled mess of emotions, his body half unusable. Part of him was glad that Spock had taken the recording device away but another part of him was scared to close his eyes, to enter that world which was so severe that his own brain wouldn’t let him remember. 

The rest of the day had passed and even though Jim’s stomach grumbled loudly and slightly painfully, he was busy focusing all his strength on not falling asleep. When once his head dipped to the side, Jim quickly realized and used his good hand to smack his left arm, the pain spreading sharply and electrifyingly throughout his body. 

He briefly wondered how much longer he could keep it up, for the bruise was coming and eventually it would take his whole body from him. 


End file.
